


A Slasher's Guide to Order of the Phoenix

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: April Showers Challenge 2011
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-06-22
Updated: 2003-06-22
Packaged: 2017-10-18 14:43:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/189955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels





	A Slasher's Guide to Order of the Phoenix

   


  
This time Harry found himself in a large ornate room with very few doors and no brains. Lord Voldemort glared molevolently at a random underling, who was on the floor, begging for mercy. Voldemort rewarded him with the Cruciatious Curse, yawn yawn yawn. Nothing new here.

Then Voldemort looked up. "That doesn't bother you, does it?"

Harry meeped. "Um, no, sir. Not at all."

"You don't mind that I torture people?"

"Not really."

"Good. So I could just order this man tortured to death with thumb screws and a rack and you wouldn't care less?"

"I'm a teenager, Riddle. What do I care for other people's sufferings or feelings? I'm too self-absorbed."

"Nice to hear one of you admit to it these days," Voldemort grumbled, and proceeded to kill Nott. At least now he knew the name of the Nott kid who had been Sorted with him. A bit anti-social, was Harry.

"So," said Voldemort, once Nott was out of the way, "anything you'd like to talk about?"

"Well, you did kill my Mum."

"Yes, but, the woman was after _Severus Snape_! She wasn't normal. Some things just can't be blamed on dirty blood."

"True," Harry had to admit. "But you also killed my dad."

"An arrogant dweeb who lay down for anything that crossed his path _except_ Severus Snape."

Harry blushed. Sev could be cute, he could see where his Mum had been coming from on that point. As for his dad, well, he had Sirius. And Remus. And half of Gryffindor Tower. Who'd want a soulful Potions master? "Erm," he said.

"But you liked your lessons with him, didn't you?"

Harry brightened. "Oh, yes. Especially when he tried to forceably calm me down."

"Like spankings, do you?"

"Felt so nice," Harry finally had the grace to blush. "Being put over his lap and told he'd do this until I stopped being so tense. It was wonderful."

"Miss it?"

"All the time."

"Come here, boy," but that was to a hesitant figure in the corner. A red-haired boy came sniveling out of there and knelt next to Voldemort, laying his head in his lap. Voldemort scratched behind the boy's ears. "It's ok, don't cry."

"N-no one understands me!"

Percy! Well, this explained a lot. Especially why he had moved out. And why no one was talking about it. And why Percy had suddenly become such a jerk.

"And Olly threw me out tonight for going on and on about the Ministry. He wanted to talk about Quidditch and then fuck and see if his 'cauldron bottom' was thick enough."

"Poor boy," Voldemort said sympathetically. He patted Percy on the head. "It's ok, just go back to him, get on your knees to him, and maybe he'll take a broomstick to it. You'd like that, yes?"

"Yes, my lord."

"Good boy. Now scurry along. You don't want to keep a Keeper waiting."

"Right," Percy sniffled, and with a CRACK! audible to no one who would have a vested interested in hearing it, disappeared.

"Now, where were we? Ah, yes, your dreams. If Severus never breached you, who did you want to go a little bit farther?"

Harry blushed to the roots of Ron's hair. "Erm."

"That's not an answer, dear boy, that's an evasion."

"Right," he said decisively.

"Maybe," Voldemort mused, "you'd be more willing to give me my answers after I've given you what you want. Bring her in!" he called to the doors, which opened to admit a ruffled Bitch From Hell.

"You! Do you have any idea how many rules this breaks? Why, I should detention you for the rest of your measly little life, you ambitious damned fool!"

"Right," Voldemort drawled, then turned to Harry. "Should I do it, or will you?"

"I will." Harry stalked over to the Bitch and slapped her across the face. "Look at me! And repeat after me: "I will not scar students for life! I will not make them need therapy for the rest of _their_ lives! I will not blaspheme the memory of the One Risen Lord, our Lord Voldemort!"

The Bitch tearfully repeated it. Harry took out his wand.

"Now, Harry, this might be a little hard since it's your first time, but it's like riding a bicycle. Once you've seen someone do it, you can laugh all you want about how silly it looks."

Harry nodded and brought his wand to bear. " _Avada Kedavra_!" Green light flashed, yadda yadda, Bitch From Hell now be dead. No one mourns. "So, you going to fuck me now?"

"Maybe in a few years. You're still a bit young. Shaping up nice, though. But I think Draco will have a fit if I have a go at his property."

Harry nodded. That made sense. Draco could be a possessive bastard at times. OK, all the time. Made for some great sex, though. "So how are the twins?"

"Saw through that one, didn't you?"

"Didn't we all?"

Voldemort smiled and it didn't look that bad. He waved a bit with his wand and a 42-inch TV screen descended and began to show live footage of what was going on in the Weasley Twin's room.

"Naw, I've seen this one before. Notice how Fred's legs are bent? He used to do that all the time in the Common Room. Enjoyed getting fucked in front of Percy without Percy realizing, I think. Tell them to move."

Voldemort sighed. Children these days. He gave the TV a kick and the Twins switched places.

"Ah, this one is better. Only seen it once. Useful use of Extendable Ears. And especially of the Black family crest. I didn't know it could be used as a cock ring."

"Why else did your godfather keep it around?"

"Point." Harry blinked. "Hey, speaking of my godfather..."

Voldemort sighed. "You want to see him, too?"

Harry nodded eagerly.

"And wasn't this just supposed to be a visit between Lord Voldemort and his favorite dream thief?"

Harry's lower lip quivered. "I'm sorry, my Lord."

Voldemort brushed it off. "Never mind. SIRIUS!"

A big black dog bounded into the room and began sniffing at Voldemort's shoes. A wolf wasn't far behind, using his paws to lean up on the dog's back and began to bugger him like, well, animals.

"Sirius!" Harry yelled and joined the pile of fucking animals. Our lawyers forbid us to print what happened there.

Voldemort sighed and pulled Harry onto his lap. He gave him a lollypop, which Harry sucked eagerly. "Just one more interloper to go..."

At that, Dumbledore banged into the room and stalked over to Voldemort. He pulled him up by his hair and began to spank him loudly.

"Bad," spank, "boy," spank, "Tom!" double spank. "Never make me worry like that!"

"Yes, sir," Voldemort said sheepishly and then gathered the assembled freaks around him. "One big happy family."

Harry grinned. "Right."

"Shall we snog?" Dumbledore said to Voldemort.

"Don't see why not."

And so they did.  
   
 


End file.
